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The Hulk, the guilt trip and the Facebook “friend”

on February 27, 2017

I seem to be going through my irrational angry phase..again. So there was a brain hulk in my last post, I think I am now turning into the actual hulk 😠

My last post touched on this and these awful “campaigns” the very words annoy me. “I’m going to make a bet”..then throwing in for good measure “without being pessimistic, that out of my friends, that less than 6 will take the time out to put this on their wall to help raise awareness..”

To me, it’s saying put this chain mail shit on your wall so everyone thinks you’re a good person. And then you’ll have someone else putting this on because if they don’t, people might think they’re not a good person. Then you have to say “done” in the comments to then have the whole of  Facebook think you’re a good person for taking 2 seconds out of their life to copy and paste words from other people’s mouths. Does putting this on your wall give you some kind of badge of honour which validates you as a ‘good person?’ Personally I think it’s horseshit. Sorry for the bad language but I did say that I am in hulk mode..

Is it just me? Does anyone else feel patronised when seeing these kind of posts? Or am I just kicking shit over people that seemingly would genuinely want to help? I don’t know what the answer is but it certainly plucks a nerve with me. 

I think if people genuinely wanted to help people in their dark times then they would and wouldn’t need to shout this kind of crap all over Facebook. 

OK, maybe wanting to help and actually helping are on very different ends of the spectrum as i think it does take a very special kind of person to actually be able to help someone. Someone like me who doesn’t know how to be helped.

You may have already guessed that I’m in a pretty pessimistic mood today. And I’m not going to apologise for it, I’ve had a rough two weeks that I think would shake anyone. In a nutshell, I’ve had a few trips to the hospital myself as I have had metal stuck in my eyeball..don’t ask me how, I still don’t know – it made me feel guilty because I had to take time out of work to get it sorted because let’s face it, not something that would just go away on its own (4 layers deep in my cornea..it’s only 5 layers deep to go begin with) but the guilt was palpable.

What if my boss doesn’t believe me, despite my swelling eyelids? What if he now thinks I’m unreliable. I offered to pick up emails from home, he definitely must think I’m lying now because how can I pick up emails from home if I can’t go into work? He keeps asking how I am with a face full of pity yet suspicion. 

The logical part of my brain is telling me he’s not suspicious or thinks any of those things but doesn’t stop me having intense anxiety about it. 

My eye healed (yay) and can now wear contacts again and make up for that matter. Wearing my glasses and not a stitch of make up has never made me feel so ugly! It’s amazing what just a little bit of eyeliner and mascara can do for your self esteem but a week without it and glasses, safe to say even shrek himself wouldn’t have given me a second glance. But all is good now. 

Then  Friday gone, I left work early (used some flexi as I didn’t dare tell my boss the real reason) my poor cat had a poorly eye and had to be taken to the vet, she had a hemorrhage behind her eye and couldn’t see her eye colour properly for blood. She also has a heart murmur, a dodgy thyroid and potentially a problem with her kidneys. 

I could have honestly sat and cried my eyes out but didn’t want to break down in the vets. If I started crying I feared I wouldn’t stop. This pic was taken on the Saturday and luckily started to look better but she’s still quite poorly. She’s enjoying being fussed over and being given lots of cream (to cleverly put her painkiller in) so fingers crossed whatever ails her is treatable.

I stayed in all day with her on Saturday, I didn’t dare leave the house, but also being cooped up all day makes me very restless but it was nice to have cuddles with her.

Sunday, I decided sooty was well enough to be left alone for a little bit while I ran some errands. I treat myself to a piece of steak for my tea, been craving one for ages. Cooking away in the kitchen, sat down to have it, looked at my phone to see I had 2 missed calls and a voicemail from my Grandma..without even hesitating I ran out the house to hers (she only lives next door but one..thankfully) to find that she had a fall, bashed all of her face in quite badly, hurt her arms and was sat sobbing. To say that I am not good in these situations is an understatement. I think i ran in circles in the front room for a good 5 minutes until my brain kicked in and allowed me to do something. I rang my mum from work and luckily she was able to take control of the situation. My mum is amazing in times like this. I helped to clean my grandma’s face and made her a cup of tea while we waited for an ambulance to check her over.

I’m mad at myself because I didn’t hear the phone ringing. I’m mad because I didn’t know what to do. I’m mad because there isn’t that much anyone can do, it was an accident. I’m mad that she’s getting to an age where falls can be fatal and I’m powerless to stop it. I can’t be with her 24/7 and even if I was I’d probably annoy her. She loves me but she hates people fussing over her so I couldn’t watch her like a hawk even if I could. I get where my stubborn, independent streak comes from!

I’m mad at everything for no real reason except that I just am. Gotta ride that wave again and hope it passes sooner than later. The fog is definitely not helping matters because I can’t put a straight thought together at the best of times never mind when there is all this going on.

I think if you looked up the word unlucky in the dictionary, mind and my mums face would be alllll over it. Luckily having a good rant on this blog has tired me enough to try and sleep..need to curb the anger, I’m told it gives you wrinkles..oh joy.

Night all x

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